1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, computers, and carburetors.
7. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

8. Shopping is not sport.

9. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

10. You have enough clothes.

11. You have too many shoes.

12. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

13. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

14. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will mark anniversaries on a calendar.

15. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

16. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes -- what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

17. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.

18. A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
19. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

20. Films starring Barbara Streisand are for Girls Night Out.

21. Check your oil.

22. Don't give us rules.

23. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

24. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

26. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

27. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

28. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

29. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
30. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

31. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

32. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
33. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

34. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.